Periods

Lisa Snivellus here. I recently (like literally three minutes ago) learned about this gold mine of a blog, and am truly thrilled to be writing a post as a guest writer.

After spending some time thinking over what I would write for these phour phine ladies, I had to ask the question: "Does anyone actually read this thing?" Using my fabulously enviable powers of deductive reasoning, I came up with a fairly certain answer of "no". However, I am happy to indulge phour of my favorite sophs with a period piece entitled "Periods".

Not too long ago, I was standing onstage and anxiously awaiting another shift change when I heard something that caught my ear over by stage left. Today, Felicia has been talking (complaining) nonstop about the fact that she's on her period, and while conversing with Courtney, went so far as to say "I would get get pregnant just so I wouldn't get my period anymore".

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Lisa, you are a dirty eavesdropper and you had no place jumping into a conversation that was taking place literally 30 feet away from you and also how did you even hear that? Are you a superhuman? Is that also why you're so pretty?" But as an opinionated woman, I had to say something!

One, that was just so stupid of Felicia to say. Was she serious? Like, actually? Felicia, you realize that getting pregnant would mean so much more than not getting your period. Yes, nine months of bloodclot-free bliss would be pretty nice, if it weren't for those little side effects like vomiting wherever the fuck you felt the need every morning and resembling a beached whale. Not to mention the smelly farts and yucky pregnant sex that TV shows like Sex and the City have so artistically portrayed.

Second, as a proud owner of a (beautiful) vagina, I am so done with period shaming. I know that sometimes it sucks to pull down your pants when you go to pee and see that you've bled all over your new panties, or to feel your uterus shredding its skin like a rattlesnake in heat, or to feel the shame of seeing your boyfriend vomit a little in his mouth when he pulls out of you with a condom covered in blood (too far?). But seriously, gals. Your period is your friend. You have one whole week every month to be a raging bitch and nobody can really hold it against you.

I know that pooping with a bloody tampon inside of you can be excruciating and embarrassing, even though it's likely that no one else is watching. I know that it's no fun being curled up, naked, in the fetal position on your kitchen floor, legitimately wishing you were dead because it feels like two baby wolves are dueling in your stomach. But gals, complaining about your period makes you seem weak. We are strong women who ENJOY bleeding out of our lovehole's, AMIRITE?!?!??!

Have a happy period.

**the names used are not actual names of the parties involved.